Click here for printable version. What to do after you have left.   You have left an abusive partner. Having left your abusive partner (whether by removing him from the home or your leaving the home) does not mean that your problems are over. The man that has recently and frequently used and abused you may react in several predictable ways. Knowing what he probably will do may have a beneficial effect on your ability to cope with his demands, his attempts to persuade and intimidate, and better enable you to make your decisions. One of his first efforts to locate you will be to go to the family and/or friends where he thinks you may go. Depending on his relationship with them, he will either threaten them or attempt to gain their sympathy. If they do not know where you are (only that you are well), they cannot be frightened into giving that information. If he uses the sympathy line, his story may be such a distortion of what really happened that they would want to persuade you to return to the "poor, mistreated fella!" Remember, he can be charming and persuasive. (That's how he got you in the first place.) Be prepared for him to use this on others. If he does make contact with you by whatever means, he will probably first try a great apology line including promises of new ways of behavior, gifts, things for the house and children (anything he thinks you will believe and will bring you back within his sphere of dominance). Remember, many of these abusive men have indicated that their women are their possessions to do with as they please and they intend to establish and maintain control over you. The next pattern of behavior is generally one of threats and attempts to intimidate. This will often include threats to attack family and friends, threats to kill you or "put out a contract on you," threats that he will take away the children or get custody of them himself, or threats to kill himself. The wisest answer here is to remind him that he, alone, is responsible for his actions and the results of those actions. Refuse to listen to further threats. The next step is the counseling/religion step. He will suddenly become a "Christian" and attend church activities in a most obvious manner. Some ministers will even believe these sudden conversions. Or, he may begin making the rounds of counseling services, trying to find a counselor that will call you and tell you that you should go back home (or allow him to come home) and help him sort out his problems. Unless a man is willing to go with one counselor and continue his involvement in counseling whether or not you reconcile, he is probably not very sincere in seeking to resolve his personal and marital problems. Joint counseling is not recommended until the abusive man has addressed "his" issues of power and control. Additionally, it has been proven that the most effective type of counseling for an abusive man is a "batterers' intervention program." If the above four steps have not worked, there are other ways he may try, such as: Crying and begging, particularly in public situations, so that you are embarrassed and appear to be cold and unforgiving. Harassment by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing up at your work, hanging around your family and/or friends. Threatening to commit suicide because he is so depressed and can't face the thought of living without you. While this can really be a frightening threat, our experience has been that the abuser rarely follows through with his threat of suicide. In the few instances when he did, the suicide attempt was very superficial - just enough to not really be life threatening but to convince you to return. If you are faced with this type of threat, tell the abuser that your returning will not solve any of the problems, which are leading him to make this type of threat. He must get professional help. Whether you return to him or not will not determine whether he commits suicide. But, if you do return to him following this type of threat, you have handed him a powerful tool to use against you the next time, and the next. Note: Sometimes when a batterer is serious with his intentions to commit suicide, this is often times preceded by the taking of his children and partner's lives. One of the main threats that will almost always be used is that he will not let you have the children. This threat is very frightening to most women and, believing him, may be enough to cause you to return or not leave at all. Remember, in the case where violence has occurred, you have the weight of the law on your side. The Judge generally is very aware of the serious effect on children who observe violence in their home. There are several community agencies that can help you during this time. It is untrue, as abusers often threaten, that social workers or the Department of Family and Children Services will take your children away just because you are living in a shelter. In fact, they are very supportive of your having made such a constructive change in your life in an effort to ensure the safety of your children and yourself. If you allow yourself to be intimidated or seduced by his bluffs and false information, then you will continue to lead a life of agony and fear, never knowing just when he will hurt you again. You have the right to a life without violence but only you can make it happen. Click here for printable version.