Click here for printable version. Myths About Domestic Violence   There are no guarantees that any program will work; a lot depends on your partner's motivation and capacity for change. But some programs work better than others. The ones that work well use the following standards: Myth 1: Battering is rare. FACT: Domestic violence is extremely common. The F.B.I. estimates that a woman is battered every fifteen seconds in the United States. Myth 2: Domestic violence occurs only in poor, poorly educated, minority or "dysfunctional" families. It could never happen to anyone I know. FACT: There are doctors, ministers, psychologists, and professionals who beat their wives. Battering happens in rich, white, educated and respectable families. About half of the couples in this country experience violence at some time in their relationship. Myth 3: Battering is about couples getting into a brawl on Saturday night, beating each other up, and totally disrupting the neighborhood. FACT: In domestic assaults, one partner is beating, intimidating, and terrorizing the other. It is not "mutual combat" or two people in a fistfight. It is one person dominating and controlling the other. Myth 4: The problem is not really woman abuse. It is spouse abuse. Women are just as violent as men. FACT: In over 95% of domestic assaults, the man is the perpetrator. This fact makes many of us uncomfortable, but is no less true because of that discomfort. To end domestic violence, we must scrutinize why it is usually men who are violent in partnerships. We must examine the historic and legal permission that men have been given to be violent in general, and to be violent toward their wives and children, specifically. There are rare cases where a woman batters a man. Battering does occur in lesbian and gay relationships. Survivors of abuse in such relationships should hear that because their situation is rare - or because they are in a "socially unacceptable" relationship - that does not make it less valid or serious. Myth 5: When there is violence in the family, all members of the family are participating in the dynamic, and therefore all must change for the violence to stop. FACT: Only the perpetrator has the ability to stop the violence. Many women who are battered make numerous attempts to change their behavior in the hope that this will stop the abuse. This does not work. Changes in family members' behavior will not cause or influence the batterer to be nonviolent. Myth 6: Batterers are crazy. FACT: An extremely small percentage of batterers are mentally ill. The vast majority is totally normal, and often charming, persuasive, and rational. The major difference between them and others is that they use force and intimidation to control their partners. Battering is a behavioral choice. Myth 7: Domestic violence is usually a one-time event, an isolated incident. FACT: Battering is a pattern, a reign of force and terror. Once violence begins in a relationship, it gets worse and more frequent over a period of time. Battering is not just one physical attack. It is a number of tactics (intimidation, threats, economic deprivation, psychological and sexual abuse) used repeatedly. Physical violence is one of those tactics. Experts have compared methods used by batterers to those used by terrorists to brainwash hostages. Myth 8: Battered women always stay in violent relationships. FACT: Many battered women leave their abusers permanently, and despite many obstacles, succeed in building a life free of violence. Almost all battered women leave at least once. The perpetrator dramatically escalates his violence when a woman leaves (or tries to), because it is necessary for him to reassert control and ownership. Battered women are often very active (and far from helpless) on their own behalf. Their efforts often fail because the batterer continues to assault and institutions fail to offer protection. Myth 9: The community places responsibility for violence where it belongs - on the criminal. FACT: Most people blame the victim of battering for the crime, some without realizing it. They expect the woman to stop the violence, and repeatedly analyze her motivations for not leaving, rather than scrutinizing why the batterer keeps beating her, and why the community allows it. Myth 10: Drugs and alcohol causes battering. FACT: Batterers use drinking or drug use as one of many excuses for violence, and as a way of putting responsibility for their violence elsewhere. There is a 50% or higher correlation between substance abuse and domestic violence, but no causal relationship. Stopping the batterer's drinking or drug use will NOT end his violence. Sometimes the victim is abusing alcohol or drugs (including prescription drugs) as a way of coping with the violence in her relationship. The batterer may use this as an excuse to hurt her - "she was drunk (or high) and I was trying to teach her a lesson." Alcohol or drug treatment will be useful for the victim ONLY when she is safe and no longer threatened by violence. Myth 11: Stress causes domestic violence. FACT: Many people who are under extreme stress do not assault their partners. Batterers who are stressed at work do not attack their co-workers or bosses. Myth 12: Men who batter do so because they cannot control themselves or because they have "poor impulse control." FACT: Men who batter are usually not violent towards anyone but their wives/partners or their children. They can control themselves sufficiently to pick a safe target. Men often beat women in parts of their bodies where bruises will not show. 60% of battered women are beaten while they are pregnant, often in the stomach. Many assaults last for hours. Many are planned. Myth 13: Most Rapists are strangers. FACT: One married woman out of every seven is raped by her husband. At least 60%, and possibly all physically battered women are sexually abused by their partners. This abuse includes but is not limited to: forced sex in front of children, forced sex with animals or in groups and prostitution. Myth 14: If a battered woman wanted to leave, she could just call the police. FACT: Police have traditionally been reluctant to respond to domestic assaults, or to intervene in what they think of as a private matter. Law enforcement often will just ask one of the parties to temporarily leave the home until things calm down, leaving the woman vulnerable to further violence. Myth 15: If a battered woman really wanted to leave, she could easily get help from her religious leader. FACT: Some priests, clergy and rabbis are supportive of battered women. Others ignore the abuse, are non-supportive, or actively support the batterer's control of his partner. Myth 16: Men who batter are often good fathers, and should have joint custody of their children. FACT: At least 70% of men who batter their wives, sexually or physically, abuse their children. All children suffer from witnessing their father assault their mother. Myth 17: If a battered woman really wanted to leave, she could just pack up and go somewhere else. FACT: Battered women considering leaving their batterers are faced with the very real possibility of severe physical damage or even death. Batterers deliberately isolate their partners, and deprive them of jobs, of opportunities for acquiring education and job skills. This, combined with unequal opportunities for women in general and lack of affordable childcare, make it excruciatingly difficult for women to leave. Myth 18: Battering is the result of a bad relationship. FACT: Some batterers blame the battering on a bad relationship. A couple's relationship may be very stressful, and communication may be poor. There may be severe financial problems. There may be problems with sex or with parenting. But, violence is NOT a result of these problems. Other couples have all the same problems, but do not have a violent relationship. Often, the batterer brings violence into a relationship and it deteriorates as the RESULT of the violence and abuse. Myth 19: The victim is to blame for the violence. FACT: Batterers often blame their victims for the violence, saying, "She made me do it," "She pushed me until I blew up," "She knows how to push my buttons," or "She asked for it." Sometimes the victims believe this as well. They think if they can only please their partners, they will no longer be battered. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Keeping the house cleaner and the kids quieter, cooking better dinners, or losing fifty pounds won't stop the battering. He'll simply find other justifications for the abuse. A former victim's story illustrates how this works: One evening Sue's husband walked into the kitchen fuming about work. She could tell that there was trouble ahead. He looked around and said, "Why isn't my dinner ready, and why are the kids still up --- what do you do all day?" Then, he beat her. Sue decided that she had figured out the problem and so the next day, she fixed dinner early and put the children to bed. Her husband walked through the door, took one look at the dinner that was waiting, and said, "Why do you have dinner ready so early? You know I like to watch the news before I eat. Where are the kids? I like to spend some time with my family when I come home from work." Then, he beats her again. The bottom line is that the victim cannot stop the battering. It doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do. She may be able to postpone the violence, or to bring it on faster and get it over with, but only the batterer can stop the violence. The only thing the victim can do is to leave. Even this is no guarantee. He will most likely look for her and if he finds her, he may beat her up again. Myth 20: Battered women must like to be hit, otherwise they wouldn't stay. FACT: Battered women stay in relationships for many reasons, but enjoying violence is NOT one of them. Women stay because they are economically dependent on their batterers - they have no job, no money, and nowhere to go. They may be embarrassed to admit that they have been beaten, or that there are relationship problems. Some women's religious beliefs keep them from leaving. Others stay because the batterer is the children's father. Still others truly love their partners. They may be emotionally dependent on the partner, or feel that the partner couldn't survive without them. The real miracle is that so many victims of battering ARE able to leave and get their lives back together. Myth 21: There is little a battered woman can do to change her situation. FACT: Battered women have several options. The first is to do nothing. Many women choose this option because they are too afraid to do anything else, or because they have given up and feel hopeless about their situations. Another option is to choose to stay and endure the situation, try to make improvements, and help her children understand but not accept the situation. If she chooses either of these options, she is likely to be abused again. A third option is to seek help and try to salvage the relationship. She may attend support groups and seek counseling. Sometimes, the batterer also goes into an educational or therapeutic program. This option has its' dangers too. Some batterers will attend counseling sessions to avoid arrest or to keep their wives from leaving, but have no intention of changing their behaviors. Others will intimidate their wives into telling the counselor that the relationship is doing fine, and that the violence has stopped, when it really hasn't. A final option is to leave the relationship and begin to build a new life free from violence. This option is scary for many women. It means leaving a familiar relationship, have sole responsibility for her household, possibly moving, getting a job (or changing jobs), and perhaps putting children in different schools. Many women use domestic violence shelters as the first step in starting a new life. Here, they are able to explore their options and decide which paths to take. Myth 22: He promised to stop the violence, so now I'm safe. FACT: Men who batter tend not to stop on their own. In fact, in most violence relationships, the violence escalates over time. Battering tends not to end until the woman leaves the relationship or the man participates in a certified Batterers' Intervention Program. Even then, there is no guarantee that the violence won't resume. Click here for printable version.