Click here for printable version. The Cycle of Violence   Patterns in Abusive Relationships Researchers have discovered that there is a pattern of abuse that occurs in violent family relationships. This pattern has been named "The Cycle of Violence" and is made up of the following stages: 1.Tension Building Stage one is characterized by tension building. The batterer may slam doors, break the victim's prized possessions, or make threats. The victim tries to appease the batterer but the stress continues to build no matter what she does. The couple needs separation at this point. 2. Battering Stage two is the battering. The batterer may hit, kick, slap, burn, or otherwise physically abuse the woman. He may also abuse her emotionally or sexually. The battering episode may last a few minutes or it may continue for hours. 3. Honeymoon Stage three is the honeymoon stage. In a continued effort to exert power and control over his victim, the batterer becomes loving and says he is sorry. He may give his victim gifts and promises that he will never be abusive again. He can be very convincing to himself, the victim and others. The batterer denies responsibility for the attack and blames the victim for provoking it. The honeymoon stage will not last, and the cycle of violence usually begins again. Although this stage exists in most battering relations, it is not always present, and it tends to diminish as the cycle of abuse continues. Click here for printable version. The Cycle of Abuse   > top The Story of your Relationship "Knight in Shining Armor" You met him and he was the sweetest guy. Always fulfilling your wishes, always trying so hard to be what you wanted. Now, you thought you had found someone to take care of you. All your troubles are over because this guy has most of the answers. You fall in love with him, or at least accept the fact that this man will be what you need. Unrealistic Demands By now, you have settled into the relationship but he gets jealous easily. He wants all of your attention and affection. The things you do for him and even for yourself are never exactly the way he wants them, and he tells you so! He is "picky" and constantly tells you what you are doing wrong. Even if you try to second guess what he needs before he asks for it, you are wrong (according to him). You start to feel like you don't know what is right anymore. By now, you have cut yourself off from many of the friends and family you spent time with before you met him. You are feeling isolated from people and, perhaps, like you aren't yourself anymore. Threshold of Abuse and Abusive Acts He seems especially grouchy, or maybe you just sense he is in a bad mood (which by now is not unusual). Or, maybe he has just arrived home from work. You ask him a question or make a smart remark and he lashes out at you. Maybe he hits you, yells accusations or calls you names like "Bitch," "Whore." You are in shock. How could this be happening to you? What did you do to him to make him so angry? Maybe you cry, fight back or do nothing. When he calms down, he's sorry. He tells you it won't happen again, he hates himself for blowing up. You believe him because you're afraid to admit it is real, or you think there is nothing you can do about it, or you don't want to give up the safety of the relationship, or you love him and don't want to believe this is going to be the pattern of your life. Knight in Shining Armor He is the person you knew before this horrible blow-up happened; and because he is so nice, you know he was telling the truth and it won't happen again. He is sorry. But, the truth is that the cycle will repeat itself over and over again. Click here for printable version.